CRITICALLY SPEAKING
Marital Maintenance
Roman 2:1-3
Recognizing the Patterns and the Cycles
*We can’t change what we can't identify. So maybe you're wondering, “Am I really that critical?
When it comes to your relationship, you may be thinking…
“Is what I am doing all that bad?
“Maybe my partner needs to have thicker skin and not be so sensitive?”
“Why am I the one that needs to change?”
Here's the thing, being critical isn’t inherently bad. It is a matter of how it is being used. When it comes to our marriages, there are two issues with criticism:
People do not respond well to unsolicited corrective feedback.
Criticism does not help your partner understand you, what you need, or how they can help.
Critical Adjustments
Maybe you have thought, “If I really put my mind to it, I can stop being critical.”
Have you tried to:
Use willpower to stop being critical.
Focus on your partner’s positive traits and qualities.
Being grateful for all that you have and just choosing “not sweat the small stuff.”
While these are all good attempts, which might work for a little while, they do not result in lasting change.
There is a reason why you criticize. Until you discover these deeper reasons, you will continue to struggle with the vicious pattern of criticism and defensiveness.
This dynamic can be incredibly hard to overcome. The good news is you can make adjustments. So let's look at some ways to make these adjustments.
TRANSFORM CRITICISM TO CONNECTION
CRITICAL SPEAKING
"I don't understand why you don't just schedule an appointment with your boss, so you can talk with him directly about what's going on in the office. You always avoid having difficult conversations.”
Believes There's Only One Right Way
"Really?! I've done all the meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and decorating for tonight. I also put together a playlist and games. People are going to be here soon. Did you get the ice? And why aren't you dressed yet?”
Feels Responsible For Others – Martyrdom
"I don't like it when you touch me like that! How many times do I have to tell you?”
Is Unaware Of Feelings And Needs
NON-CRITICAL SPEAKING
"Sounds like you've been really struggling at work. Do you have thoughts about how you're going to address the issues?”
Sees the Value in Different Approaches
"Bae, I just want tonight to really be fun for everyone. I've put a lot of work in making it nice. Would you help me to not overdo it, but instead relax and enjoy the evening?”
Recognizes Others Are Responsible
"I would love it if you would touch me here... like this.”
Is Aware Of Feelings And Needs
TRANSFORM CRITICISM TO CONNECTION
CRITICAL SPEAKING
"You always leave your shoes in the middle of the floor... are you trying to trip me”
Focuses On What Is Wrong
"You didn't ask me if I wanted something. All you ever do is think about yourself... you're so selfish”
Implies the Worst About One's Character
"I never know what's going on with you. You don't talk to me. How am I supposed to trust you if you can't share how you really feel?”
Is Regretful and Resentful
NON-CRITICAL SPEAKING
"Bae, could you be mindful and make sure your shoes are off to the side when you take them off? I'm afraid I'm going to trip.”
Focuses On How To Improve
"When you don't ask me if I want something, I feel like you don't care about me. Would you be willing to check and see if I want something too? It would really make me feel cared for and loved by you.”
Give Feedback About Behavior
"I get scared when I don't know how you're doing... if you're happy or not. I want to know you better. What can I do to make it a safe place for you to be more vulnerable?”
Focuses On the Possibility Of the Future
TRANSFORM CRITICISM TO CONNECTION
Critical Speaking
"I don't have anything to say. I just feel like talking to you.”
Is Guarded And Defensive
"You never compliment me... on what I wear and how I look. Am I still attractive to you or do you want to be with somebody else?”
Feels Inadequate And Insecure
"Listen here! We need to be consistent with budget meetings to go over our finances. But, you're always finding excuses and putting everything else, first. Are you hiding something?”
Tries To Control
Non-Critical Speaking
"Bae, I'm having a hard time right now and I'm not totally sure why. I'm really struggeling and I don't how to talk about my feelings."
Is Open, Transparent, and Present
"Bae, lately I've been feeling overweight and frumpy. I could really use your support and encouragement while I work on getting me back to a place of confidence. I would love to hear any positive feedback.”
Feels Valuable, Worthy, And Secure
"Bae, whenever I bring up going over our finances, it seems like you don't want to engage. Would you be willing to let me in and talk about what you're experiencing? I want to find a way for us to be on one accord around our money in a way that works for both of us.”
Practices Acceptance
Date Night Challenge
Small Dates
#ericandelaine
#maritalmaintenance
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